It's still hard to fit words into the feelings surrounding Matt's death. I may not say it, but I think about him everyday. Tears still come easily. I can't bear the thought of erasing his Skype name from my contacts list. Occasionally I let myself think of how we could have a conversation via Skype or facebook. Or that really, he's still there in Maryland, and I'll see him the next time I go back to the states. On the eve of this new year, I wish happiness to all, but I'm sad to move further away from his death, in a way, each passing day feels like he gets farther away. Because as time passes, we make new memories without him in them.The stark reality of his absense really hit me when I arrived in his parents house last May for the funeral. I wasn't even sure I would be able to find the right tickets to fly back in time. 12 hours to Paris, then a change in airports, a few hours wait, then 8 hours to DC. I was in daze. People on the airplanes asked if I was sick. I could only mumble short phrases. Three short days in the states, then a backwards repeat of the thousands of miles again. I was so thankful to be able to go and spend a few days with my family, but it was equally as great to get back to Alex and Luc at home. Those crazy days in the beginning are over, and I can once again function without tearing up in odd times and places. But I can't stop thinking.....why can't he just pop up again on our radar? I think the permanent state of something is only truely understood in death. He is permanently gone. It's awful. No one will ever get a chance to speak with him again. But if he was here, what would you say?
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