Thoughts on Mommying

This morning started like any other day. Luc and I playing in between my taking care of feeding us breakfast, vaccuming (part of a never-ending war of sand coming in our appartment), and various other cleaning stuff. We even brushed our teeth together, something that is still so new and fascinating to Luc. Spending so much time together has allowed us to become very close, something that I absolutely treasure. To see him learn and progress day after day, and to share his new experiences with his "Papa" at the end of each day; well, it just doesn't get any better than that.
Uncle Romain has been visiting with us for the past 10 days, and the three of us had planned to go to Boucan Canot beach for a lunch picnic. We packed the cooler, the beach bag, and got everything situated, and meanwhile, Luc began to be fussy. I picked him up and tried soothing him, saying "Are you tired?", "Are you frustrated that Mommy isn't playing with you right now?" He cried more. He squirmed in my arms, so I put him down. "Would you like some water?" He pushed the bottle and my arms away. He hung onto my neck and cried some more. I walked around with him in my arms like that for several minutes. His crying didn't lessen at all. I looked at our pile of beach things, ready to be taken down to the car. "Would you like to go on an adventure?" This is what I always say to him when we're planning a trip out of the appartment complex, so he hears it a lot and knows what it means. He usually responds with a little happy-sounding noise and runs to the door. Instead, he cried and turned his head away from the door. Realizing at this point that he was no where near calming down, and that it wouldn't be fair to strap him into the car, and then expect him to be ok on the beach, I told Romain that I was going to try to put him down for a nap, and that we could meet him later at the beach. Luc has endured several days of no or very little nap time since his Uncle has been here visiting because we've been going to the beach more often. It didn't feel right to do that again today, especially with him being upset like this. We moved into his room and I rolled the window shutter down until it was almost closed, which is what we always do to prepare him for a nap. I asked him if he wanted to pick out a book. He calmed just a little so I went over to the book sling on the wall. He began crying again and pulled out a book and threw it to the floor. Hmm, that usually always helps. I pointed to the photos on the wall of a whale, an octopus, and some fish. He responded by crying and turning his head. Then I pointed to the fish garland on another wall that he loves to touch and giggle at. More crying. I tried to put him down on the big bed (we have a double sized bed in his room, next to his crib), but he only jumped right back in my arms. By now I'm a little confused. What is upsetting him so much? Is it his teeth? But he hasn't shown any signs of being bothered by his teeth before now. Is he just really tired? Did something scare him? He is crying so hard at some points that he is shaking. I try again with a book. No. His blanket. He throws it. His stuffed cat. He throws that too. I try singing. He screams more. I keep asking him questions, but he cries more and more. It's been 40 minutes and I'm beginning to think I am a horrible Mommy. For 10 minutes, I pace the floor with him in my arms, crying, shaking, but I say nothing, and try to let him calm down on his own. Finally, I try singing again. He lets out a big sigh, and relaxes a bit. I keep pacing and singing. I whisper, "would you like your blanket?" He lets out a little noise that I know means "yes". When I pick it up, he grabs it and curls up a little more in my arms with it. He brings it up to his face, and I know the smell of it is comforting to him. I pace a little more with him, and then ask if I can tuck him into bed. He says nothing, so I lay him down in his bed. He begins to cry again, and reaches out for me, so I pick him back up. Here we are, pacing the room, singing a bit, when I hear Alex open the door to the appartment. Luc picks his head up and hears his Papa's voice as he talks to Romain. Then Alex slowly pokes his head into the room. He gives kisses to us both and asks me if he should stay with them. Luc is curled up in my arms, with no indication of wanting to go anywhere, so I say "No, but it's nothing personal honey". He said "I love you" to Luc, and quietly closed the door behind him. Luc was finally ready to be tucked in about 5 minutes later, and as I did, he had the sweetest smile on his tired little face while gripping his blanket. I kissed him, and said "Sweet dreams my love, I'll see you when you wake up, I love you".
An hour and 15 minutes after all that had started, I emerged from his room. But I was not emotionally drained, or disappointed that we wouldn't go to the beach. I was content that Luc was happily calmed and soon to be asleep in his bed. Even though it was hard for me in the middle of it, I knew that sticking by him, allowing him to express himself, and not "letting him cry it out" alone was the best thing for him. I felt stronger as a Mom. Every experience like that has shown me that I am a very capable, loving, Mommy. And then Alex looks at me and says "You know what I was thinking when I saw you two back there? That Luc got the best Mommy ever."